Mother of Two: Part 2

 I felt pregnant before I had a positive pregnancy test. I could feel the change in my body. The first home test I took was negative. Five days later, on October 10, I took another test. It was positive! So begins months of anxiety and doctor appointments. We are very excited and joyful, more than I can express, but the fear is very real. 

   I have had 3 sonograms, 11 tubes of blood drawn, and 3 OB appointments thus far. I feel like I am checking things off a list: 

1. first sono showed very little, but we established the embryo was attached to the uterine wall, no ectopic pregnancy = in the right place - check

2. second sono we were able to see the heartbeat = heartbeat, things are going ok

3. third sono we were able to hear the heartbeat and see the arm buds and leg buds = our baby is developing

    I have had morning sickness. Extreme fatigue is plaguing me. I can sleep 10 straight hours at night, but half way through the work day it is all I can do to stay awake, much less focused. I cannot stop thinking about going to bed. I fight the urge to curl up on my desk and give way to sleep that my body demands. 

  Yes, I am enjoying every minute. Honestly, every day I am thankful to have one more day with my baby for I do not know when it will be the last. As far as I know baby is healthy and developing and I am grateful for throwing up and being exhausted and the other complications. 

Excited! 

Thanks for all the congratulatory comments and support!!!

Mother of Two: Part 1

I'm pregnant!

  Yes, I am 10 weeks pregnant (technically tomorrow I will be 10 weeks). This sweet baby is due June 21st. We are incredibly excited and joyful for God to have blessed us with another child. We were going to wait to share our news with everyone, but (1) I am already starting to show and (2) the immediate family we did share our news with have already told more people than I would ever dream of telling. I needed to say something before others shared our news.

   "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15)

---you've got to be around for both---

   It is difficult to hear excitement from people whom neither my husband or I told we were pregnant and have not shared in our sorrow. One woman expressed her excitement to host a baby shower. She did not know about Lydia and I was unaware she knew I was pregnant. I am no where near a place to begin thinking about baby showers. (Can we do that after this little one safely arrives?) Then there are people with whom we have planned to share our news, only to find out they have already been told. It makes me angry and annoyed. More so when it is someone who is unaware of our loss or was not supportive with the loss of our child. Too much joy and excitement from others is too much for me. My husband said it was not fair to tell people and ask them to keep it a secret. So I did not tell anyone not to share our news, I just assumed (never smart) that others would understand it is OUR news. The emotions are really compounded with the loss of Lydia.

   The two most prevalent reactions I have heard are as follows:

Isn't it too soon? I've been asked if it is safe for me to be pregnant, is my body ready, is it alright with my OB, isn't it too early emotionally/physically, will being pregnant so soon increase my risk of loss...
You are neither my OB nor my husband, do not tell me when is the right time to be pregnant.

I'm so excited! I am so happy for you, this is wonderful, this will make everything better. No. I will never have my daughter I lost. I want her and this baby. This little one is her/his own person. She/he is not a replacement. Being pregnant has not ended my grief.

  Then there are both reactions from the same person: "Oh, I am so excited! Are you sure it's ok? This will be so great, things will be great! Did you doctor say it was okay for you to be pregnant so soon?"


   Ah, dealing with people.

I dislike reading extremely long blogs, so to be kind to me readers I am ending this blog now and will continue with my pregnancy story on the next blog post.

My favorite photos

I was really missing my baby today, so I thought I would post a few pictures.

Photos taken courtesy of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Not who I was

   I am working now. Yesterday was my first day. Yesterday? It feels much longer ago than that. The past two days have solely been orientation. I will not really start on my tasks until next week. I think I  will enjoy the job. The most draining aspect so far, yes, in my two full days of experience, is the social aspect. 
   I think I have changed completely in this area since I lost Lydia. I have never been a gregarious person, but I have been more friendly and outgoing than I am currently. It takes forced effort for me to make conversations with people. I would rather accomplish what I need accomplished and not have to talk with others, especially people I do not know. I have told myself in the past two days that I should make a comment or ask a question of interest to a co-worker to appear friendly. It is very forced. A pregnant woman has the desk next to mine and I could not ask all the socially expected questions of due date, boy or girl, baby names, etc. It is too painful. I think I am very quiet and withdrawn at work. I have no interest in small talk and I find it exhausting. 
   Not all social interactions are exhausting for me. I do talk at M.E.N.D. and when I spend time with close friends (the only friends who have wanted to spend time with me recently have been M.E.N.D friends) and with family I am usually fairly comfortable and more talkative. 
   I guess I am not very happy either (in general, not work specific). I drove away today wondering if I smiled. I remember forcing a smile on several occasions. These traits will likely not endear me to my co-workers. I doubt I'll be making friends. Making friends sounds like too much work, anyways. 
   Wow. These last two blogs have been so negative! I  know I am depressed, but I have not been quite this negative in my postings. I think this month and next will be emotionally trying since we have past Lydia's due date and the holidays are now here. The purpose of my blog was to share Lydia's story with others and share how I feel and grieve. Here it is. 

Everything is a mess!

   It seems everything is going wrong. We have had stressful, discouraging things happen this week. Everything feels so overwhelming. One more thing cannot possibly go wrong. Unfortunately I know, that is not true. I feel like a bundle of nerves, very tense and irritable. Finding a hole to hide in somewhere, not reappearing for another, oh, two years, sounds like my best option.
   Yet time keeps passing and demands are not disappearing. Honestly, I feel no peace. No assurance. No comfort. I feel far from God. Despite logic and truth, I feel like I am being punished. I really want to give up. I know, so much pessimism.

Deep breath.

   On a positive note, I have a job! I interviewed for a position a couple weeks ago and was offered the position last week. I begin on Monday. I am looking forward to it. It's not exactly in my field or planned career path, but it's a job. It means a paycheck which we are in desperate need of currently. I enjoyed the women I met during my interview and think it will be a nice place to work. I'm glad I have not been working until this point, emotionally and physically I was not ready. Now I think it will be nice to have something to occupy some of my time.

   With things so difficult right now, I wonder if we would be in these same circumstances had Lydia lived. There are too many factors, but in my mind and heart I feel like all would be right, many of these problems would not be present (truthfully, several would not be), and the difficulties that would be present would seem more manageable. However, that is not reality.

November 5th

     Today was Lydia's due date. 

November 5, 2010

Now the day has arrived and has brought with it strong emotions, questions, and longing. Would today have been today if she hadn't been (still)born in August? Is this what her day of birth would be? A very cold morning and a sunny, cool fall day? Would the talk on the morning news been the same? The smell of the air, the touch of the breeze? Or would it be different had my Lydia been born today?

Everything about today feels wrong. My daily morning walk with our two dogs should not have happened today. I should be lying in the hospital bed in labor or holding her in my arms. My body shows no outward sign that I was ever recently pregnant. I should be 30 pounds heavier, with a healthy round belly, ready to give birth to a healthy baby girl. Until this point I have been not only counting the weeks and days since losing Lydia, but also where I would be in my pregnancy. I have such a strange feeling today. Marked on the calendar as our first baby's due date since the moment my doctor gave it to me, yet everything has changed. Instead of counting weeks of pregnancy...now she should be here. Her crib should not be vacant! This house should not be silent! My arms should not be empty! My belly not flat. This week was to be one of excitement and anticipation for me, rather than filled with tears. Family should be here to celebrate her birth. 

I am very thankful for my husband today. Rather than leave to workout at 6:00, he stayed home and fixed us breakfast. He also gave me a "Mother's Love" necklace from James Avery. Very sweet. He took a couple hours off in the middle of his day as well. Together we went to visit the place where Lydia's body is buried. We sat together for a long time. I felt so hurt and sad and angry, I couldn't speak. My husband prayed for us, for which I was thankful as I felt like I could not. 


I miss my baby and grieve her loss especially today. I am trying to hold on right now, thought at times it all feels so dark and hopeless. I love you so much, Lydia Grace. I would do anything to have you here with me. I am trying to grieve with hope. 

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them, in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord." 

1 Thessalonians 4:13-17

Come, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Pictures and presents

   I had started Lydia's scrapbook during my first trimester. After she was stillborn, it felt too painful to continue to scrapbook her pictures. I felt like it would have to end with the pictures taken at the hospital. A woman in M.E.N.D. told me the pictures did not need to stop there. She had a scrapbook and included pictures from the Walk to Remember, from holidays, and birthdays. I was inspired to continue and have spent hours carefully scrapbook pregnancy pictures, pictures of Lydia in the hospital, and now pictures of her funeral. I will follow those with the pictures taken at the Walk. 
   Lydia's funeral pictures I just received a couple weeks ago from my mother. They are more painful for me to see than the pictures of my baby. It is difficult for me to look at myself in those pictures. I feel like my face displays the definition of sorrow and grief. And there are the pictures of the smallest white casket. Caskets shouldn't come in that size. 
   Scrapbooking has been good in helping me grieve. I've shared the scrapbook with others. Some have not wanted to see pictures, others mention the pictures are so sad, some flip through it quickly (yes, I take it personally). I've found all women who have lost a child (and a rare few who have not lost a child) look slowly, carefully, respectfully. They comment on the pictures; exclaim over the beauty of my Lydia Grace; point out her precious fingers and toes; study her face to find characteristics of my husband or me; ask about that day, her service. I like that. First for myself and second for those who care, I plan to keep scrapbooking and keep sharing with those who are interested. 

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. 

If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of her name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.

  Last week I received a gift in the mail from an unexpected person. A woman with whom I have never felt particularly close and I rarely see, sent me this necklace. I was touched and have worn the necklace every day since I received it. In this journey I have found it so interesting that those I may have thought would be supportive are different than those that are still around 13 weeks later. Thanks for the support and prayers. I appreciate it.