It seems everything is going wrong. We have had stressful, discouraging things happen this week. Everything feels so overwhelming. One more thing cannot possibly go wrong. Unfortunately I know, that is not true. I feel like a bundle of nerves, very tense and irritable. Finding a hole to hide in somewhere, not reappearing for another, oh, two years, sounds like my best option.
Yet time keeps passing and demands are not disappearing. Honestly, I feel no peace. No assurance. No comfort. I feel far from God. Despite logic and truth, I feel like I am being punished. I really want to give up. I know, so much pessimism.
On a positive note, I have a job! I interviewed for a position a couple weeks ago and was offered the position last week. I begin on Monday. I am looking forward to it. It's not exactly in my field or planned career path, but it's a job. It means a paycheck which we are in desperate need of currently. I enjoyed the women I met during my interview and think it will be a nice place to work. I'm glad I have not been working until this point, emotionally and physically I was not ready. Now I think it will be nice to have something to occupy some of my time.
With things so difficult right now, I wonder if we would be in these same circumstances had Lydia lived. There are too many factors, but in my mind and heart I feel like all would be right, many of these problems would not be present (truthfully, several would not be), and the difficulties that would be present would seem more manageable. However, that is not reality.