Lydia Grace

Lydia Grace
Our first child, Lydia Grace

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Not who I was

   I am working now. Yesterday was my first day. Yesterday? It feels much longer ago than that. The past two days have solely been orientation. I will not really start on my tasks until next week. I think I  will enjoy the job. The most draining aspect so far, yes, in my two full days of experience, is the social aspect. 
   I think I have changed completely in this area since I lost Lydia. I have never been a gregarious person, but I have been more friendly and outgoing than I am currently. It takes forced effort for me to make conversations with people. I would rather accomplish what I need accomplished and not have to talk with others, especially people I do not know. I have told myself in the past two days that I should make a comment or ask a question of interest to a co-worker to appear friendly. It is very forced. A pregnant woman has the desk next to mine and I could not ask all the socially expected questions of due date, boy or girl, baby names, etc. It is too painful. I think I am very quiet and withdrawn at work. I have no interest in small talk and I find it exhausting. 
   Not all social interactions are exhausting for me. I do talk at M.E.N.D. and when I spend time with close friends (the only friends who have wanted to spend time with me recently have been M.E.N.D friends) and with family I am usually fairly comfortable and more talkative. 
   I guess I am not very happy either (in general, not work specific). I drove away today wondering if I smiled. I remember forcing a smile on several occasions. These traits will likely not endear me to my co-workers. I doubt I'll be making friends. Making friends sounds like too much work, anyways. 
   Wow. These last two blogs have been so negative! I  know I am depressed, but I have not been quite this negative in my postings. I think this month and next will be emotionally trying since we have past Lydia's due date and the holidays are now here. The purpose of my blog was to share Lydia's story with others and share how I feel and grieve. Here it is. 

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