Lydia Grace

Lydia Grace
Our first child, Lydia Grace

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

.Resurrection Sunday

  Resurrection Sunday happened to fall on my husband and my anniversary this year. We spent the weekend together, enjoying this rare time that my husband was not constantly working on something (graduate school comes with a ridiculous amount of work and commitment). 
  Sunday we visited the site where our daughter is buried. While there I felt the need to do something for Easter for her grave, so we went to the store to find something to place there for our girl. Part of me felt it kind of silly considering she is continually able to celebrate in heaven with Christ, but I had to do something. 
   At church that evening a well-intentioned woman turned to greet me and said excitedly that next Easter we would have a baby with us. I smiled, but thought this Easter we should have our baby with us. Another holiday we had thought would have Lydia here, but she is not with us. 
   Today I went to the Christian bookstore to search for a book I have been wanting to read, but had not yet purchased. I had to ask for assistance in locating the book and when the saleswoman handed it to me reading the book title, Safe in the Arms of God: truth from heaven about the death of a child, brought on the tears. I am curious if the woman thought the book was for me, but she asked no questions. I cried on my drive home, began to read the book, producing further tears. It was a self-pity crying initially, crying because I had personal reason to read a book on this subject. Then I felt the pain and loss, feeling the emptiness of the house and my arms and the continual ache in my heart
   How do I say this? What do I share? Mornings like this cries and wails and banging on the wall is how I grieve. This coming Sunday will be nine months since her stillbirth. Yes, much healing and change has occurred, yet this pain, always this pain and sorrow.
   I am looking forward to reading this book. I flipped and skimmed through some pages and have already read encouraging truth.  Safe in the arms of God. That is where my baby is.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

God Provides

This afternoon I was overcome with thankfulness to God for how He provides!
   First I think of God's provision through my husband. Beginning last summer, before we lost Lydia, my husband was offered a teaching position that was unexpected, and has been continued to be offered to teach undergraduate classes every semester. He was also offered a part time job in the psychology department at the university he attends for his PhD. He works so hard to provide for us and I am incredibly thankful for a husband who does this. 
   After Lydia was stillborn family and friends gifted us with $800. It was completely unexpected and a blessing for my husband and I. My grandparents have paid for medical bills. 
   After all the medical bills from Lydia and my being unemployed I was anxious as to how we would afford another pregnancy and child. God blessed us with another child and has provided all we need. The injections I need this pregnancy were going to cost over a thousand dollars each month, but I was able to get them at no cost through the patient assistance program. This week we received a refund for medical expenses that are now being covered. God has continued to meet my and Isaiah's medical expenses in various ways. 
   I was pondering these things this afternoon and wanted to express how grateful I am for all God has given us and share that with others. I am thankful for how He provides through my hardworking husband, through family, friends, and other ways. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Growing Excitement and Belly

   For a couple weeks now I have been counting down the days (77), not weeks, until Isaiah's due date. I have begun writing the daily countdown on the dry erase board by our calendar. My excitement has been mounting and I feel as though I cannot wait.

29 weeks! (And suffering from seasonal allergies)

   I have also gone a little crazy with the house.  I decided to switch the nursery and office, then after asking my husband to move part of the furniture, I decided to switched them back again. Though I am still pondering that decision. I have requested the rearrangement of the living room and kitchen. I've given away, thrown away, and packed away. I've scrubbed windows, doors, air conditioning vents, baseboards and walls; rearranged cabinets, closets, and cubbies. I have a list two pages long with all the other tasks I wish to complete. Currently the house is in a greater state of disarray than it was when I started this reorganization rampage, but I have to make messes to get everything back in order. Or so I reassure my husband, as boxes line our hallway. All will be in its own place soon enough. Just have to get it right. And I hope I am not premature in some of this cleaning. I do not want to feel the need to do it again before baby.

   I plan on registering this week and plans for a baby shower are in the works. I finally feel I am to a point that I feel comfortable and good about having a shower. My excitement and joy is difficult to contain and I am looking forward to sharing it with others!