Lydia Grace

Lydia Grace
Our first child, Lydia Grace

Friday, November 5, 2010

November 5th

     Today was Lydia's due date. 
November 5, 2010

Now the day has arrived and has brought with it strong emotions, questions, and longing. Would today have been today if she hadn't been (still)born in August? Is this what her day of birth would be? A very cold morning and a sunny, cool fall day? Would the talk on the morning news been the same? The smell of the air, the touch of the breeze? Or would it be different had my Lydia been born today?

Everything about today feels wrong. My daily morning walk with our two dogs should not have happened today. I should be lying in the hospital bed in labor or holding her in my arms. My body shows no outward sign that I was ever recently pregnant. I should be 30 pounds heavier, with a healthy round belly, ready to give birth to a healthy baby girl. Until this point I have been not only counting the weeks and days since losing Lydia, but also where I would be in my pregnancy. I have such a strange feeling today. Marked on the calendar as our first baby's due date since the moment my doctor gave it to me, yet everything has changed. Instead of counting weeks of she should be here. Her crib should not be vacant! This house should not be silent! My arms should not be empty! My belly not flat. This week was to be one of excitement and anticipation for me, rather than filled with tears. Family should be here to celebrate her birth. 

I am very thankful for my husband today. Rather than leave to workout at 6:00, he stayed home and fixed us breakfast. He also gave me a "Mother's Love" necklace from James Avery. Very sweet. He took a couple hours off in the middle of his day as well. Together we went to visit the place where Lydia's body is buried. We sat together for a long time. I felt so hurt and sad and angry, I couldn't speak. My husband prayed for us, for which I was thankful as I felt like I could not. 

I miss my baby and grieve her loss especially today. I am trying to hold on right now, thought at times it all feels so dark and hopeless. I love you so much, Lydia Grace. I would do anything to have you here with me. I am trying to grieve with hope. 

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them, in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord." 
1 Thessalonians 4:13-17

Come, Lord Jesus. Amen.


  1. So many tears I cry as I read this and as sit in sadness without the presence of our child. It hurt very much today when we went to Lydia's memorial site. Tears poured then as well. Silence was a painful reminder that our child is not here. Then, the background noise was a hurtful reminder that life is still going forward though we do not have our daughter to share in this with us.

    The only pleasant feeling I had today was being able to share my pain with you. It was hard to gather words to speak at her site. All that came to me was the joy that Lydia brought us in the small (infinitely small) amount of time with her. The great joy of hearing that we were to be parents (and the fear), joy of planning our newly changed lives (and the fear), joy of learning to be parents, joy of sharing our lives with a baby girl whom we had so much love to give.

    Lydia, your mother and I will continue to have unbounded love for you. We await our time to be with you and our Father again.

  2. My sweet friend, I grieve the loss of your precious little girl with you. I understand your feelings all too well. Lydia and Jason are both such sweet spirits together with our Lord. My heart and prayers are with your family, especially today.

    I am always here if you need to visit...

  3. I have often read that the closest way to comprehend how much God loves us is the mother/child bond. Rachel, I can only imagine this love. And your poured-out sadness. You were in my prayers, mind, thoughts yesterday as Betty and I talked about Nov 5, your due date. Honey, your pain is never forgotten or dismissed by me. Please cry out to me, scream at me, sob with me...basically whatever you need. I love you so much. Both you and Drew.
    Joye...Auntie Joye