.Resurrection Sunday

  Resurrection Sunday happened to fall on my husband and my anniversary this year. We spent the weekend together, enjoying this rare time that my husband was not constantly working on something (graduate school comes with a ridiculous amount of work and commitment). 

  Sunday we visited the site where our daughter is buried. While there I felt the need to do something for Easter for her grave, so we went to the store to find something to place there for our girl. Part of me felt it kind of silly considering she is continually able to celebrate in heaven with Christ, but I had to do something. 

   At church that evening a well-intentioned woman turned to greet me and said excitedly that next Easter we would have a baby with us. I smiled, but thought this Easter we should have our baby with us. Another holiday we had thought would have Lydia here, but she is not with us. 

   Today I went to the Christian bookstore to search for a book I have been wanting to read, but had not yet purchased. I had to ask for assistance in locating the book and when the saleswoman handed it to me reading the book title, Safe in the Arms of God: truth from heaven about the death of a child, brought on the tears. I am curious if the woman thought the book was for me, but she asked no questions. I cried on my drive home, began to read the book, producing further tears. It was a self-pity crying initially, crying because I had personal reason to read a book on this subject. Then I felt the pain and loss, feeling the emptiness of the house and my arms and the continual ache in my heart
   How do I say this? What do I share? Mornings like this cries and wails and banging on the wall is how I grieve. This coming Sunday will be nine months since her stillbirth. Yes, much healing and change has occurred, yet this pain, always this pain and sorrow.
   I am looking forward to reading this book. I flipped and skimmed through some pages and have already read encouraging truth.  Safe in the arms of God. That is where my baby is.

God Provides

This afternoon I was overcome with thankfulness to God for how He provides!
   First I think of God's provision through my husband. Beginning last summer, before we lost Lydia, my husband was offered a teaching position that was unexpected, and has been continued to be offered to teach undergraduate classes every semester. He was also offered a part time job in the psychology department at the university he attends for his PhD. He works so hard to provide for us and I am incredibly thankful for a husband who does this. 
   After Lydia was stillborn family and friends gifted us with $800. It was completely unexpected and a blessing for my husband and I. My grandparents have paid for medical bills. 
   After all the medical bills from Lydia and my being unemployed I was anxious as to how we would afford another pregnancy and child. God blessed us with another child and has provided all we need. The injections I need this pregnancy were going to cost over a thousand dollars each month, but I was able to get them at no cost through the patient assistance program. This week we received a refund for medical expenses that are now being covered. God has continued to meet my and Isaiah's medical expenses in various ways. 
   I was pondering these things this afternoon and wanted to express how grateful I am for all God has given us and share that with others. I am thankful for how He provides through my hardworking husband, through family, friends, and other ways. 

Growing Excitement and Belly

   For a couple weeks now I have been counting down the days (77), not weeks, until Isaiah's due date. I have begun writing the daily countdown on the dry erase board by our calendar. My excitement has been mounting and I feel as though I cannot wait.

29 weeks! (And suffering from seasonal allergies)

   I have also gone a little crazy with the house.  I decided to switch the nursery and office, then after asking my husband to move part of the furniture, I decided to switched them back again. Though I am still pondering that decision. I have requested the rearrangement of the living room and kitchen. I've given away, thrown away, and packed away. I've scrubbed windows, doors, air conditioning vents, baseboards and walls; rearranged cabinets, closets, and cubbies. I have a list two pages long with all the other tasks I wish to complete. Currently the house is in a greater state of disarray than it was when I started this reorganization rampage, but I have to make messes to get everything back in order. Or so I reassure my husband, as boxes line our hallway. All will be in its own place soon enough. Just have to get it right. And I hope I am not premature in some of this cleaning. I do not want to feel the need to do it again before baby.


   I plan on registering this week and plans for a baby shower are in the works. I finally feel I am to a point that I feel comfortable and good about having a shower. My excitement and joy is difficult to contain and I am looking forward to sharing it with others! 


   

and there are days

The nice thing about a blog is being able to write selective stories. I can write about hope and faith and times of comfort and never speak of the dark days and nights. But then I am not being honest with myself or others. 


The dark days and nights when the words of Job resonate with me. 
"Oh that I might have my request, and that God would fulfill my hope, 
that it would please God to crush me, 
that he would let loose his hand and cut me off!" (Job 6: 8-9)


Days when getting out of bed is a challenge. Nights when sleep won't come and I whisper her name, wishing she would be sleeping in the next room or being held in my arms. Times when the mundane tasks of life feel pointless, meaningless, not worth completing. 


Questions of where God is in this pain. Questions of why, no reason bringing the remotest sense of satisfaction. Times of staring at my closed Bible, not knowing how to open it. Feeling unable to seek out any comfort or strength from my faith. 


Feelings of isolation, loneliness, sadness. Feelings of anger, resentment, emptiness. 


Times of tears and groans. Times I feel these emotions cannot be released merely by tears, surely I could explode from all I feel. Days and nights of shadow and darkness. 

God's Mercy and Grace

  For the past seven weeks I have been participating in a Grief Group Bible study at our church. The study is not yet over, but I have learned so many things. The study uses the book "Holding on to Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. The focus is the book of Job as well as other Scripture. I've enjoyed the daily Bible study, the discussions at group, and the book.
   Through this study God has revealed truth in His Word, brought conviction for sin in my heart, and provided comfort with the other believers in the group. I've hesitated writing about these truths and lessons I have learned and am learning, questioning the value of publicly sharing personal details and possible injury to my pride. However, I hope it brings glory to God, not making me look any better. I want God to be glorified in the life and death of my daughter, and He can be glorified in what He has done in my heart following her precious life. So, here we go.

   One question that has pricked the back of my mind occasionally since July 31, 2010 when Lydia's heartbeat could not be found was "is this punishment from God?". It is common to wonder if suffering and loss are some kind of punishment and I felt there was better reason in the case of my husband and I for this to indeed be punitive. We had been engaged five months when I became pregnant with Lydia. Clearly, sex outside of marriage is a sin. Despite our pastor lovingly informing us at Lydia's funeral that her death was in no way punitive, in the back of my mind for the past seven months have had my doubts and questions. Even the biblical example of King David came to mind. His child born to him from adultery (sin) died.
   Thanks to the death of Jesus on the cross, He took all the punishment and blame for all my sin. God's wrath and the punishment I deserve is no longer on me because Jesus took it. "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Cor. 5:21). "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). I am under God's mercy and love. "Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace, in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God" (Rom 5:1-2).
  Though I had been told Lydia's death was not punishment, I still doubted until God revealed these truths to me why her death was not punitive. Praise God!

  
  

perspective

  One change in my life following losing Lydia is a change of perspective. In the deepest suffering and pain your perspective on life changes. It brought an eternal perspective. Things on earth matter very little, my grip on many of them has been loosened, replaced by a deep yearning for heaven. 
   Of course, I want to go to heaven, has been my thought since childhood. I'm just not ready yet. I always held this list of things in my head that I wanted to happen before I got to heaven. Get married, have children, grow old with my husband...basically, I wanted a full, good life then heaven. Death and eternity was not a scary thought, but it was not something I longed to receive any time soon. 
   It all changed when my baby went to heaven. My child, part of myself is already there, so I certainly think about heaven much more than I ever have. The pain and suffering of this world is so great and what the world offers so futile, eternity in the presence of God is where I want to be. I yearn to be in heaven. I can't wait. It seems closer than it ever has, yet I am not there yet. 
   Having this perspective has impacted my view, values, and grip on many areas of life. Many goals, achievements, possessions and accomplishments hold little value now. Inconveniences and other hardships seem more trivial. My husband occasionally states that no other loss can be as painful as losing our baby, so other trials pale in comparison. A change in perspective brings a shift in priorities. Certainly not all my priorities are in line, not all the things I want to control have been given to God, I still get anxious and my actions are not right, but God has brought changes in my heart, a yearning for heaven, and a different perspective on this life in result of deepest loss and pain. 

   

Isaiah Update

   I had an OB appointment this afternoon. By due date I am 25 weeks, 1 day pregnant today. I have felt an increase of anxiety as we are nearing that 26 week mark that glares like a flashing warning light. My wonderful OB had to run across the parking lot (literally) to deliver a patient's baby at the hospital and I was offered to be seen by her nurse practitioner rather than waiting for her return. I have only been in the care of my dr. and since it had been 4 weeks since I had seen her, seeing someone else was not an option. I elected to wait and was very glad I did. It was well after 5, but Dr. D wanted to do a sonogram (unscheduled, I think this was the 5th sono this pregnancy). Her sonographer had gone, so she did the sono herself. It was great! Wish she could do them every time! : )
    He is a growing, active little boy with a very healthy heart and brain. His measurements have him at 26 weeks today. My due date remains unchanged, but being right here in the same gestational period I was at the end of July is a nerve racking and exciting. The weeks have passed so quickly and it feels wonderful that everything is going well. I'll be going to the Dr. weekly for the next several weeks. 


   Isaiah is SO ACTIVE! He kicks and moves and stretches all sorts of ways all the time. I compare it to Lydia's activity and wonder if something was wrong with her (no, nothing medically abnormal was found). She did not move as much as he does. I've pondered if this is because he is a boy or has a different temperament/activity level. I was very aware of her movements because she was my first and I'm very aware of his movements because I am constantly on guard (that and he makes his presence known without question). Dwelling on it can lead me down the road of self-blame and what-ifs if I am not careful. I reassure myself with the fact that I did feel her move and kick until the worst day of my life and if she did move less frequently overal how was I to know when I had nothing else to compare it to (also, every dr.'s appt and sono showed no problem)? Ultimately, all of our lives are in God's hands nothing happens without Him allowing it. 


   I cannot entertain the thought of losing another child. I feel hopeful and anticipate things to go well with Isaiah. I just believe they will. But if things do not go how I expect, I am so thankful to have him every day and night he is moving in my womb. What a blessing! Two sweet children. And I can say with certainty that God is with us and sustains us through any event that may occur.