perspective

  One change in my life following losing Lydia is a change of perspective. In the deepest suffering and pain your perspective on life changes. It brought an eternal perspective. Things on earth matter very little, my grip on many of them has been loosened, replaced by a deep yearning for heaven. 
   Of course, I want to go to heaven, has been my thought since childhood. I'm just not ready yet. I always held this list of things in my head that I wanted to happen before I got to heaven. Get married, have children, grow old with my husband...basically, I wanted a full, good life then heaven. Death and eternity was not a scary thought, but it was not something I longed to receive any time soon. 
   It all changed when my baby went to heaven. My child, part of myself is already there, so I certainly think about heaven much more than I ever have. The pain and suffering of this world is so great and what the world offers so futile, eternity in the presence of God is where I want to be. I yearn to be in heaven. I can't wait. It seems closer than it ever has, yet I am not there yet. 
   Having this perspective has impacted my view, values, and grip on many areas of life. Many goals, achievements, possessions and accomplishments hold little value now. Inconveniences and other hardships seem more trivial. My husband occasionally states that no other loss can be as painful as losing our baby, so other trials pale in comparison. A change in perspective brings a shift in priorities. Certainly not all my priorities are in line, not all the things I want to control have been given to God, I still get anxious and my actions are not right, but God has brought changes in my heart, a yearning for heaven, and a different perspective on this life in result of deepest loss and pain.