Lydia Grace

Lydia Grace
Our first child, Lydia Grace

Sunday, August 28, 2011


Little Lydia, 

 I have been thinking about you often recently. Your little brother is growing and changing so quickly. I wonder what you would have been like at these various stages. Is your smile like his? I imagine you are full of smiles in heaven.
I wish I could breath in your scent the way I breath in his. I wish I could kiss your cheeks, your neck, your head, again. I wish I could hold you, rock you to sleep, sing to you. I treasure all these times with Isaiah, aching at the fact I never will experience it with you.
With your little brother here, I haven't been able to attend a M.E.N.D meeting where I can talk with other mommies who have precious babies in heaven, too. It feels kind of lonely, not having others who understand the hurt. Isaiah brings so much joy, but part of my heart will always be broken, missing. You brought us such joy, too, little daughter, so much love and joy that your parting is incredibly painful and unrelenting. 

I miss you. Oh, how I miss you, sweet child! I wish I could have saved you. I would have done anything.

Do you see the whole picture from heaven? A greater picture than just the pain we feel and see on earth?
Do you dance with joy in heaven on streets of gold?  Do you know your mommy loves you so much?

I do, Lydia. I miss you and love you. I think about you and sometimes get so angry you aren't here with your daddy, brother and me. I anxiously await meeting you again in heaven.

Until then, my daughter, you are in my heart always,



  1. Thank you for sharing! If you read my blog post today you can see the anxiety that can build up when a mother is pulled in too many directions and balance is not achieved. I think for most of us God does place it on our hearts to stay home with our children. I think it is the natural way and definitely what was intended. I agree there are situations that it is simply not possible. It is hard for me to fathom, but there are women out there that prefer to have a career. It is their choice. Not to defend myself but just to express my feelings in the matter, I found myself in a situation where I am the income provider and my spouse stays home. I always say at least one of her parents are home....I was told not to start anything with the phrase "At least" by a wise woman. Anyhow, so here I am in the situation and kind of stuck here indefinitely. What I can say is heart would prefer to be with my kid. I think that is why I always feel like I never have enough time or I am trying to make up for lost time with my child. I prefer to decline outings with friends because I would rather stay in with my daughter.....time flies too fast and I already feel like I missed so much time...So I think it is amazing that women can stay home with their children. If I am honest, I even envy them. In fact early on I dealt with resentment toward my husband because he could stay home with her and I could not. I still pray for God to give me at least one more day a week home with her.....and I still am hopeful that can happen. In the meantime this is a good reminder for me to seize those moments I do have, they are fleeting she will be 7 in just a few months and I swear she was a baby just does empower me though when reflecting on this to feel confident in my refusals of other social occasions so I can hang out with my child. I thinks mothers that stay at home should be proud, I too agree with your mom working in my family practice is demanding and yet the stuff at home is much more challenging. I think because it is a job that carries more weight than any other job you will have. The loving, nurturing, teaching, instilling character, praying, guiding, directing, redirecting......and we all want to do our best because we love them so very much. I think parenting allows us insight into some deep glimpses of God's very nature. The unconditional love is one aspect, a deep, important one. But a special patient of mine, a retired English teacher named Marie, imparted to me this jewel of wisdom from her 95 years of living this side of the veil, she said" the best thing a woman can do, is be a mother." She is so right!!!
    So glad you get the full time joy of being a mom and homemaker!!!! Still praying the Lord gives me a little more balanced schedule,sooner than I must pray believing that it will be answered...thanks for the post!!!!

  2. My mom was not referring to parenting being harder than working. You are a parent/mother whether or not you work. She said staying at home was harder than working. Staying at home is full of thankless, unrecognized tasks. Patients and their parents thanked her for things she did. No such praise or recognition is given for changing a dozen diapers, washing 5 loads of laundry, or cleaning poop off the floor. Also at work there is adult interaction, at home there is not and it can be isolating. The world does not value stay at home moms. It is a second class position. No one wants to hear about your day when you wipe snotty noses, change sheets and serve mashed potatoes. Nothing cool there. It isn't seen as significant as, say, helping patients at the clinic. That is what she meant.

  3. Not that parenting isn't the hardest job. Just the statement.was regarding SAHM versus WM. Not that anyone is reading this either.