Lydia Grace

Lydia Grace
Our first child, Lydia Grace

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


   Some moments seem unbearable. I have times I feel just desperate in my pain. Pulled apart. Unable to see how I will continue, as if the grief itself could kill me. Then there is guilt. Guilt at times when I am not consumed by thoughts of her. When I am completing tasks, talking, laughing even. Sometimes I think I am doing well, other times I feel the pain overcome me so I feel I am shattered in a million pieces; it is so intense. It is as though I cannot "look" all at once at this pain, this loss. Only for brief periods of time can I feel it so intensely, "look" so closely. Even in my dreams I have lost my child and am missing my baby.

 We received Lydia's pictures a few days ago. A non-profit organization who takes photographs of an infant after their loss came to the hospital. My husband and I watched the DVD in tears. We have a DVD of photos with music as well as a CD of still pictures. I can't believe she is gone. I am so glad we have the pictures. Not that the memories I have of my beautiful baby will ever leave me, but to be able to have pictures is wonderful.

  I have been praying more these past couple weeks. When I feel overwhelmed, my tears are my prayer. When I see pregnant women, small babies, baby items...I have to start praying. And God is merciful and loving. He is my only hope. The constant, unchanging One. I do not know how people who do not know the Lord continue in times like these. My only hope is in Christ and without Him, how would I survive?

   " 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall their be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' "  Revelation 21:3-5


  1. You are a strong beautiful woman! Always remember that! Lydia is a very lucky girl to have such loving and caring parents and to be safe in the hand of God. May God hold you and guide you with the same loving hand.

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

  2. Rachel, your words are powerful. Eloquent. Simple and cutting to the core. They strip the superfluous. I cant read them without weeping. I want to take the pain, even a little bit of it--to let you rest from it a while.

    All I can think of at this time is when you think of how much you and Drew love Lydia, God loves us more. How can that be? I'm mystified by it too.

    I never how to help you or what to say to help. I know there's very little. When I see your sweet beautiful face and you're laughing, trying to go on with life, plod along till more time passes. I tell God, "She's too young to feel this pain. Protect her. Keep her. Love her." And I envision God holding you like you're a baby, wiping your tears.

    I love you. Joye

  3. Like your Aunt I wish I could take yours and Drews pain. I am usually a person of many words,but with this I have so few. They are repetitious,but still true each time I say them. I love you. I am continuously in prayer for you and I am always here for you.

  4. Thank you for sharing the picture of Lydia. She is beautiful.