Unemployed

  I am unemployed. Unemployed because I do not have a job and an unemployed mother because I do not have my baby with me. My husband and I decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom (exactly what I wanted) for at least the first year of Lydia's life (my plan was to keep staying at home, have more children, not return to work for another 10 years...). I resigned from my former job, so here I am. In the midst of a terrible time to find a job, searching for one. Compounded to the difficulty in finding a job is a very emotional reaction on my part on why I need to be searching for a job. 
   On the way to turn in applications or interview, I find myself having the same thoughts. If Lydia were still here, I wouldn't be looking for a job right now. Inevitably, the tears come. When I arrive to the prospective job, I wipe away the tears, put on a smile and head inside. During the interview, when asked about my interest in the position, I want my daughter back, not this job, runs through my head. Not the best attitude when trying to find employment. 
   Thus far I have not been able to find any work. It is very discouraging, considering I have a graduate degree. If I work in the field for which I went to school, the position requires the minimum of a Specialist degree (more hours than a masters with a year internship, but less than a doctoral degree) and licensure by the Texas State Board Examiners of Psychologists. Very specialized (perhaps that's the problem), but I cannot find a job. One would think, however, there would be fewer qualified applicants for such positions. 
   I have applied for other jobs out of my field. I've applied for jobs with much less education requirements, but still have not gotten the position. I am learning the other problem I have when looking for jobs outside my field is lack of experience. Prospective employers do not seem to care that I have a bachelor's degree and four years of graduate work (my first year of graduate school I was in a different program in the same field before switching programs. My program was 2 years of coursework followed by a year long, full time, paid internship in which I was still considered a student). Anyways, my education apparently does not represent any sort of skill or experience. As a result, I am not "qualified" for many jobs. 
   This morning I had an interview for a part time position. I thought the position required responsibility for toddlers in a childcare center, but I was misinformed. The position is caring for infants. The interviewer shared with me the number of infants at the center and the additional babies that would be starting (one having a due date in November, just like Lydia). As soon as she said the position was for infant care and began talking about babies who would be in the class after their births, my heart stopped. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can emotionally handle that task. I have no problem working with my 1st graders at church, but infants are another story. I avoid mothers and babies every where I go. And a baby girl who would be so close in age with my daughter? All I would be able to think about is Lydia and how she would be developing if she were here. Since the interview was this morning, I have not heard whether or not I am offered the position, but it might not be the best place for me right now. 


So I am still searching for a job. Wishing I had my daughter instead.